Yeah, I'm Confused

I feel a little unsettled about the bus guy still. Mostly because I now know what it feels like to be the recipient of that kind of attention and it’s a little weird. I’ve realized there are limits. Being polite and friendly is much more different from forcing yourself into other people’s lives when they don’t want anyone else in them. I don’t think that’s what I’ve done, but I’ve come close, which is worrisome. Something to think about.

Being Interactive Editor of ClubLaurier is going to involve my continuing contact and interaction with its members. But I’ll have to be careful that such contact is warranted. Though most people seem to not mind my talking to them, there are some (one lately) that find it really invasive. That also confused me. I asked an incoming frosh if he was nervous about school in September and he considered that prying into personal territory. How is asking something like that a personal question? It’s like asking someone what their major is. That’s what you ask when you meet a new student. It’s familiar territory for all of us. I could understand if I was asking him if he had a significant other, or what his marks were, or what kind of underwear he had on. Those are personal questions with answers that are none of my business. Oh well.

I hope taking this iron will make my anemia go away. I know I can live with it, I always have. But it would be much nicer to be healthy for once. No more being “clear”, having random headaches, being dizzy all the time, feeling cold, tired, and sluggish. That and the fainting would be gone. Not to mention I’d probably have more energy and willpower for school. Not just school, but everything. It would be very nice.

When I look back and think about it, almost everything in the last six years must have consistently been making it worse. The only way to lose iron is to bleed it out. There’s the obvious way to lose it, from menstruation. But since my nose bleeds a lot I bet that wasn’t helping any either. I used to cry when that happened. It’s bad enough to be cranky and frustrated on your period, but add to that random nose bleeds and sometimes cuts from my clumsiness and, man, way to make a girl feel worse. It sometimes felt like I was bleeding from everything. Sometimes I got scared that it wouldn’t stop. When it got really bad my nose would keep at it for an hour or more without stopping. It was very frustrating.

Your body does store iron, but it’s careful with it because too much can poison you. You need iron to make hemoglobin in your blood. Hemoglobin keeps blood nice and thick as well as transporting oxygen throughout your body. Without it, well, lots of problems result. The problem is symptoms take a very long time to fully manifest themselves. Which would be why it took so long for me to start fainting. I knew my iron had always been low, but not that it was getting lower consistently the last few years.

Doing internet research the last couple days, I’m very glad that I don’t drink. Iron is necessary to keep your kidneys super heathly and all that. Not that mine aren’t fine, just that if I was into alcohol they’d probably be in some trouble by now. A very lucky coincidence.

At least I’m not worried about it. I’m just curious about what my life would be like without anemia. The prospects are interesting. I can guarantee that I’d be happier just because I’d have the energy to do more. It pisses me off when I’m doing something and get so tired. It just sucks. I like doing lots of stuff. I’d love to do more. But the fatigue doesn’t make it possible at this point. I get short of breath really easily because of it too. I used to run all the time, playing games and racing. Just doing what I liked. I haven’t ran for more than a couple minutes at a time in at least 5 years. I’d get very tired and short of breath incredibly fast. That and lightheaded. So I’d stop.

I like skipping. I used to be embarrased about that, but at this point I can care less what other people think of me. It’s irrelevant. There are a couple people whose opinion of me matters, but other than that few the rest can screw themselves if they have a problem with me.

I didn’t realize how much I like kids until recently. I love doing stuff with them, playing games with them. Talking to them, all of it. Kids are great. They have an enthusiasm and outlook on life that most of us seem to lose worrying about everything all the time. I am very guilty of the worry syndrome, but all that seems not to matter when just having fun. I need to play more. I really do hope that I get better and can do more of that. It’s very healthy to just let go and have fun.

I’m considering getting a teaching degree again. It would make it a lot easier to get jobs in school libraries. Most places don’t want a full-time librarian anymore thanks to education cut-backs and all that. They prefer someone who can teach for half the day and work the library for the other half. This brings up another worry though. Well, not a worry actually. A choice. Because if I want to do that I may need a major switch again. I very much doubt that either Classics or Philosophy count as teachable subjects. I’d prefer 5th to 8th grade and they definitely won’t be learning that. So the question is, what do I take? I’m really not sure, but I’d better get thinking about that fast. History maybe? Computers? Math?….English?! It looks like I’ll be going over the course descriptions in the Academic Calendar again.

Now We Wait

It’s time to wait for blood test results. I am pretty sure what they will be, to some extent. But they’re still bothering me some. Just in case anything is found that was not expected.

My head feels funny. Not bad, just a little tight. That’s the closest word I can come to describe it. I am getting a bit of a fever and it’s making my face feel very dehydrated and dry. I should drink more. I pee a lot when I do that though. It feels like a whole lot, but really it’s every 3-5 hours which I guess would be normal considering how much water I drink.

The tone of this blog is changing. It’s not so much what I am thinking right now, since I keep commenting on events and things. Which is fine I guess. I just don’t want to revert to describing the events of the day. That’s what the LiveJournal is for. Reflection too, sure. But it is more of a place for people to find out what I get up to, if anything. I do want this space to be more what I am thinking and feeling instead. Just because I tend to ignore that and it’s not healthy.

Writing this stuff out here does help. Even in the last couple days I am more open with others, Dean included, about what’s going on in my head. Probably because I am finally admitting to myself and that’s the first step.

That sounds like an AA thing. Well then, this is my rehab.

Out Of My Own

After not living here for almost a month, King Street doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s quite disorienting. It’s my place with my stuff and all that, but it doesn’t fully feel like it. Somewhat, yes, but not entirely. This is what I get for living in several different places. I don’t know if I can count Harrow anymore, since I don’t think I’ll be living there anytime soon, if ever again. That itself is a disconcerting thought, but I’ve known for quite a while that it was not the place for me and that I couldn’t stay there. I love it, but living there for the rest of my life would have killed me. I can’t just stay in one spot with the same people all the time. There’s no personal growth that way. Nothing changes. That’s not living. It’s existing.

I’m feeling unneccessarily nervous about this doctor’s appointment. Which is silly. It’s just to talk to the doctor and get some bloodwork done. No big deal at all. But good luck getting my brain to believe that one. It’s been so long since I’ve had routine blood tests that I’m not sure how I’ll deal with them. Needles don’t bother me, but I hate that first uncomfortable prick. For a while there I was so used to it that I didn’t care anymore, but now that’s all I can think about.

A distraction from worrying about other things maybe? Like Chantal. And my grandma. And September. God, I have to stop worrying about such things. I can’t do anything about them. It’s a waste of time and energy to be freaking out over everything all the time.

Like worrying about hurting Dean. I’m not going to hurt him, and if I ever was he’d tell me. So why do I worry about that so much? Sheesh. I’m so unreasonable sometimes. I guess in some ways I’m still adjusting to being with another person, and I don’t want to wreck it. I feel so lucky for having Dean though. He’s so perfect for me. Everything just fits. I want to be with him all the time. That gets me worrying about whether or not he has enough personal space, or if he minds not being around other people as much as he’s around me. If I’m taking up too much of his time. I do realize that people need personal space. Living in residence taught me that one.

I wonder what we’re going to do next month? I’m still just realizing how close that is. I really am looking forward to it. But still try not to think about it. I miss everyone too much. Lately it does make me cry. That feels really weird too, because I almost never cry. Though I think it might be a good thing. That I’m letting myself admit what I am feeling instead of hiding it.

I still wonder why I didn’t cry at my pippi’s funeral. I’ll probably forever wonder about that one. I think my outlook on that was such that I didn’t need to, but it’s still strange.

Writing this is exhausting me. It’s time to get ready for the doctor’s anyway. I’ll figure stuff out eventually.

Productiveness

I feel much better about today. Considering I got up at 11:30am I feel proud that I’ve gotten as much done as I did. I did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen. I fought the cat making the bed, very amusing. It reminded me of making beds around the cats at home. I did some latin, and job stuff (I’m still working on that), cleaned out a bunch of crap on my computer.

I’m planning on making a website. I really want to learn more about that. So many people I know have their own. It doesn’t seem that hard to do. I know some HTML already, and can learn other things as well. There are a couple sites that I’ve been checking out. One has tutorials, a forum, and free hosting if your site idea is worth it. I think I am going to go for that. Since I can learn whatever I need to know and get advice and feedback along the way. It seems a good way to go.

It’s kinda strange how much the internet has become a part of my life in the last year. I know I could live without it, but things would be very different. I’d probably just revert to reading constantly instead. But I do learn a lot by spending so much time online. Interpersonally, yes. But also information-wise. Whenever I am wondering about something I look it up and can find lots of information on it. Right or wrong, the info is there.

That gets me wondering if they’ll ever get internet at home. Probabaly not. That would cost them more money. At leat, that will be the excuse they’ll use. It’s not a very good one. For as broke as I am I can still afford internet. High speed no less. So they certainly could. Even if they made Pete and Stephanie pay for part of it. It’s possible.

I’m getting very paranoid about next month. My mom keeps reminding me that ViaRail wants to strike, and it’s scaring the crap out of me. We’ve already got round-trip tickets. What are we going to do if they strike? Obviously find another way to get to Windsor. But still. What about our tickets? What about the money? Do we get that back? If they are going to try to give us another trip that is pretty useless. This is the only chance that we have for this. Another trip would do us no good.

I am looking forward to going on the train, though it is scaring me some. New stuff usually does though. It’s not the experience itself, but the thought that I may screw something up somehow, or forget something important. That’s what really scares me.

I’m worried about my Chantal. Not as much as I could be though. Her kidneys aren’t working. At all. It’s that serious and I know that I should be really worried, but I’m not. I know she’s had problems with them since she was little. My rationale is that if she’s lived with them being so bad for the last 19 years a few weeks to find a way to fix them can’t be that worrisome. I am going to feel so shitty if I am wrong on this though. If something happens to her….that won’t be good.

I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself for also being sick. But that’s stupid because I’m not that sick. I’ve always been anemic and always expected to be. So this is no big deal for me. I’m not even that worried about it anymore. I find myself telling lots of people about it though. Well, not that many. Sarah and Bernard needed to know, since they are around me so much. It’s good for them to know in case anything happens. But anyone else that I’ve told has really been unneccessary. I think I was looking for pity on that. It’s amusing though, because I think subconsciously I realized this a while ago. I stopped talking about it and obsessing over it. Which is good. I don’t want to go looking for people’s pity. It’s a fact that I’m anemic, but it’s nothing to get all worked up over. Lots of people are iron deficient. It’s pretty common and not that big of a deal.

Intentions and Purpose

I want this blog to be something different from the others. I’m being selfish and I am not sure that I want to share it. For now it seems to be something that is better off kept to myself. I’m just posting random thoughts here. I don’t entirely care if anything flows or makes sense.

I don’t make sense. My head is a jumbled up mess sometimes, and with everything cluttering it up and bouncing around in there it makes me stressed and worried pretty contstantly. Usually it’s such a mess I am not even sure what I am stressed or worried about. Half the time I don’t even notice that I feel that way, but it’s there.

This space is for me to try to sort that out, get to know myself and stop hiding from things that I may be thinking. Just because I may think something, or worry about it, does not make that a reality.

I have doubts, and failings. Just like everyone else. I am not proud of them but I can’t spend my entire life hiding from them. The failings bother me, but the doubts scare me. They really shouldn’t. Until I face them and get self-confidence they are going to be there. Acknowledging doubts does not mean that they are relevant. Just that I have them and should consider the reasons behind them.

It’s unusual for me to be trusting my own instincts. That’s something that I’ve only begun to do recently. Naturally, I find myself doubting myself and the decisions that I’ve made based on instinct. I am not familiar enough with them, or myself, to be trusting them completely yet. Though I am sure that time will come. As a friend told me a few hours ago, “It’ll come with time. Internal change happens slowly. You don’t just wake up and say ‘hey I’m changed’.”

I believe that. So for now, I write. Whatever I feel like writing.

Mental sorting…of a sort

Sometimes I have my doubts. Not that Dean isn’t the right one for me, but that I am the right one for him. More specifically, that I won’t be as good a person for him as he is for me. It’s cliched, but he is the best thing to happen to me. He’s the best person I know.

I’m feeling useless again. I don’t have a job and I do things around the house constantly to make up for it. So that I can feel like something I do matters, that I am in some way needed and pulling my weight.

I want a job. But at the same time, at this point in the summer, I kinda don’t. It wouldn’t last very long. There’s only a few weeks before I go home to visit so I doubt anyone would want to hire me knowing that I’d work a couple weeks, then be gone for 9 days, work another couple weeks and then quit for school.

I can’t keep a job while school is in. I just can’t. I am shitty with time management and there’s no way that I would be able to keep up with school work. Not to mention the fact that I want to do more than keep up. I am aiming for the As. I’ve always been capapble of them. I should be able to get them now when I need them.

I worry about my health now though. The fainting isn’t bothersome. What it could mean is. I don’t like feeling all weak and nauseated afterwards either. Especially since it seems to last until after I sleep. If it can and does happen during school I won’t be able to get work done feeling like crap, but sleeping will use time that I should be spending studying. What’s worse is if I faint in class. I doubt anyone around will know what to do. It will disrupt class, I’d have to leave, and I’d miss the rest of the lecture.

These are annoying what-ifs and I hate doing that. Thinking like that. But the thoughts are there anyway. I am worrying about this stuff and I can’t keep pretending that I’m not.

I want to go home. I mean, I really want to go home. I try not to think about it too much because the thought that it’s still weeks away almost makes me cry. I don’t like that it bothers me that much, but I’d feel worse if it didn’t. I love my family. I love spending time with my family. I didn’t realize how much I took that for granted until I couldn’t anymore.

I miss being around them all the time. My brother is funny with his jokes and his pranks. We do stuff together. I take the time to listen and understand instead of dismissing and judging like the rest do. My sister is cool. I admire her. She’ll at least say what she’s thinking. She has a lot of talent and a great outlook. She’s stubborn. Whatever she decides to do, I know she’ll do it.

I miss my dad’s rants on everything. A lot of the time they are redundant and don’t make sense, but they are amusing and it’s something that he does. I miss just hanging out with my mom. A lot of people would be bothered by the fact that we do that, and of the opinion that she should be mothering us instead of being our friend. I’d much rather have her the way she is. I’ve been mothered and raised quite well, even with my mom being more of a friend than that.

I won’t try to make out that our relationship has always been this way. For much of my life she was dictatorial and demanding. I was more taking care of her. I still resent that sometimes. But I do realize that since I moved out a lot has changed and she is not the person she was. Having her children moving out, having relationships and jobs, getting lives separate from hers, has made her more understanding and lenient towards us. Instead of being locked out for not washing the dishes fast enough, she realizes that someone with three jobs and school doesn’t have time to babysit the sink and will do them when she gets a chance. It’s a much better situation all around.

I’m worried about the money crunch that will be September. I’m thinking the best thing for me to do would be to go to the Financial Aid office and apply for a 90-day loan. Just to make sure that I have the rent money for September, and for food and bills for this last month or so. Books too. It seems to be the best way to go if I can get it, since I can pay it back at the end of September when I get my OSAP. Plus what little money that I have now can be used to pay the 10% tuition fee.

I don’t know anymore. I have faith that things’ll all work out, but I’m not sure why. I don’t know how that’s supposed to happen, or why I believe that it will. I don’t know what I have faith in. But it’s there. It’s a certainty that no matter what I will get through it and things will be okay on the other side.