Hurt and Lonely

I am really hurting right now. Really. I’ve even been taking aspirin the last couple of days. For the record, I am not wishing an earache on anyone, ever. Let alone two at the same time. I usually have a high pain tolerance and can ignore such things to go about my life. Not so with this. My ears have a constant dull pain, punctuated by sharp bursts of it whenever it seems I let my guard down. When it gets really bad, like right now, I can’t help but cry, it hurts too much. I have been able to feel my pulse throbbing in my head for the last couple days. Sometimes, I can only vaguely hear things, and my ears feel really full.

Too many things rely on healthy ears. My jaw is killing me. It hurts to eat, though drinking things is alright. I am starting to wish that I had some of that fun hospital food you can eat through a straw.

I went to Health Services for the second time this week. They put some oil stuff in there and let it sit for a while, then syringed out as much wax and whatever else is in there as they could. That was a very strange experience. It hurt, quite a bit, but was good at the same time since that pain was caused by something to help. Plus it let up on the pressure for a bit. The problem is, the pain is back and I am not sure how much of it is from being sick, and how much is from them trying to fix it.

I get to return first thing Monday morning before class so that they can do it again. I will admit, I am scared that the pain will get worse over the weekend, and that Monday will hurt like hell. I don’t like being afraid of something like that. Especially because I know that the fear of it may make things worse than they really are.

I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to really sleep since Wednesday. I keep waking up crying from the severity of the pain. Today I grabbed an hour in the afternoon, and I’m hoping to get some sleep tonight, but I don’t know how sure I can be of getting any for the next while. I don’t know how I am going to handle classes if this doesn’t let up. I can’t concentrate enough to read anything new.

I tried knitting for a while, but even that is not possible for long because I can’t keep track of what row or what stitch I am on. The only thing I have been able to do is read my library book, mostly because I have read it twice before and its more of a comfort thing than anyting. I know what happens, so I don’t have to think, I can just concentrate on the words and for a while feel a bit normal.

I’m not sure if watching TV is a help or a hindrance. Mainly because I haven’t figured out to which extent sound effects anything. I don’t think it does too much, but it’s been really quiet here all day, and my class this morning was almost empty. I left Mulan on while I tried to sleep this afternoon, because at least having some other sound around can give me something to focus on besides the pulse in my head.

I miss Dean, and wish he was here, but that is a comfort only. It’s better that he is at home right now, because I know all my tossing and random tears would prevent him getting any sleep or getting anything done while awake. There is nothing for me to do but wait to heal and hope that it doesn’t take too long.

Sometimes I feel like a walking pharmacy. Adding the three aspirin a day to the rest of it I am up to 10 pills, and I can’t even tell whether anything is working. I know the antibiotics are at work on my Strep Throat. That I can barely feel. I know it is still sore, but that is easily ignored in the face of the other pains.

Edit: Some Googling has returned the wonderful information that having Strep Throat is what caused this in the first place. Wonderful. Nice to know. What’s even more interesting is that, as an adult, I am not supposed to be able to get an ear infection in such a way. Damn. Turns out I have a lot of the requirements that make children get them all the time though: family history of ear infections, native heritage that can indicate the tube at the back of my eardrum is shaped in such a way to prevent proper drainage, frequent second-hand smoke. Oh joy.