Change Is Coming…I Can Feel It

For some reason I’ve had this sense that this school year is going to be a good one. It’s not that last year was bad, it’s that in a lot of ways it was isolating and stressful. I need to get out of my shell and be a bit more impulsive. Hiding away at home is not the way to go. Most of the reason that I wanted to live so close to school is so that I could easily get there if something comes up.

Let’s see if I can do it.

Studying Fun

It’s amusing when ethics discussions come up in class, how someone always points out that we all act in our own self-interest, whether we consider that to be selfish or not. Today I came across an interesting point along the same lines in my readings, this by Harry Browne:

Everyone is selfish; everyone is doing what he believes will make himself happier. The recognition of that can take most of the sting out of accusations that you’re being “selfish.” Why should you feel guilty for seeking your own happiness when that’s what everyone else is doing too?…
To find constant, profound happiness requires that you be free to seek the gratification of your own desires. It means making positive choices.
If you slip into the Unselfishness Trap, you’ll spend a good part of your time making negative choices—trying to avoid the censure of those who tell you not to think of yourself…
If someone finds happiness by doing “good works” for others, let him. That doesn’t mean that’s the best way for you to find happiness.
And when someone accuses you of being selfish, just remember that he’s only upset because you aren’t doing what he selfishly wants you to do.

Though most of us don’t like to be viewed as selfish, Browne has a very valid point. You can’t go around spending your whole life doing everything for the benefit of everyone around you. All that results in is making yourself miserable. I’ve tried it, and while it sounds good in theory, doing what is best for others in every case can only end up with hurting yourself. However, I do think he’s wrong that you should also always do what will make you happier. As with most areas of life, there needs to be a healthy balance between the two.

James Rachels makes another valid point that deriving happiness from helping others does not necessarily make one selfish:

Why should we think that merely because someone derives satisfaction from helping others this makes him selfish? Isn’t the unselfish man precisely the one who does derive satisfaction from helping others, while the selfish man does not? Similarly, it is nothing more than shabby sophistry to say, because Smith takes satisfaction in helping his friend, that he is behaving selfishly.

I suppose if you were doing things for others to gain something for yourself besides happiness (using them as a means to an end, as Kant would say) in that sense you would be selfish. But doing nice things because you like to is not in itself a negative thing. It all comes down to perspective.

The Art of Breaking

I spent two hours today poking around Hespeler Rd. trying to find a copy of the latest Thousand Foot Krutch album before giving up in frustration and returning home. It seems that even though many of the retailers were supposed to have it (according to TFK’s website, that is) none of them had it or knew what it was. The surprise though, is that I don’t think I want to get it anymore. I could be superstitious like my mother and say that not finding it is a “sign”, but really that’s not it.

When I got back I decided to try the iTunes music store and see if they had it. They do. The whole thing. Before buying though, I started listening to the samples of some of the songs. This was quite the effort and took some time since streaming audio on dial-up is not the best way to do this. Even so, the songs just didn’t seem heartfelt. They had a generic quality to them that I didn’t like. The whole album seems to be a lesser version of Phenomenon, and even that one I was slightly disappointed with.

I hate to think that the guys are starting their careers with songs that are just turning into lame rehashings of their other stuff. Their first album wasn’t like that. It was incredible. Even though I don’t have that one (I didn’t know much about them then, I’d heard of it from a friend), I have Set It Off (both the original and remastered) and really think that they’ve gone downhill since then. Where did the enthusiasm go? The spark of originality is fizzling out and I’m having a hard time with it.

I love these guys. They’ve got amazing ideas and have written some of the best songs I’ve heard. They put on fantastic shows. But the newer music is just sub-par. I hope it gets better. I don’t like being disappointed with them.

As consolation, I’m listening to Switchfoot, who have only gotten better over the years.

Edit: Now that I’m out of that jaded state of mind it seems better. We shall see what I think once I’ve gotten it. I’m also considering getting the new Bedouin Soundclash album. It’s interesting.


I have no idea what brought this thought into my head, but as I was falling asleep yesterday I realized something. I am afraid of death. Not afraid, exactly, but I have a healthy respect for it now.

A much more important revelation sprung from that one. It’s not that I’m worried about how or what comes after, the reason is that I now have motivation for living. I want to stay on this earth as long as I possibly can.

Yeah, I'm Confused

I feel a little unsettled about the bus guy still. Mostly because I now know what it feels like to be the recipient of that kind of attention and it’s a little weird. I’ve realized there are limits. Being polite and friendly is much more different from forcing yourself into other people’s lives when they don’t want anyone else in them. I don’t think that’s what I’ve done, but I’ve come close, which is worrisome. Something to think about.

Being Interactive Editor of ClubLaurier is going to involve my continuing contact and interaction with its members. But I’ll have to be careful that such contact is warranted. Though most people seem to not mind my talking to them, there are some (one lately) that find it really invasive. That also confused me. I asked an incoming frosh if he was nervous about school in September and he considered that prying into personal territory. How is asking something like that a personal question? It’s like asking someone what their major is. That’s what you ask when you meet a new student. It’s familiar territory for all of us. I could understand if I was asking him if he had a significant other, or what his marks were, or what kind of underwear he had on. Those are personal questions with answers that are none of my business. Oh well.

I hope taking this iron will make my anemia go away. I know I can live with it, I always have. But it would be much nicer to be healthy for once. No more being “clear”, having random headaches, being dizzy all the time, feeling cold, tired, and sluggish. That and the fainting would be gone. Not to mention I’d probably have more energy and willpower for school. Not just school, but everything. It would be very nice.

When I look back and think about it, almost everything in the last six years must have consistently been making it worse. The only way to lose iron is to bleed it out. There’s the obvious way to lose it, from menstruation. But since my nose bleeds a lot I bet that wasn’t helping any either. I used to cry when that happened. It’s bad enough to be cranky and frustrated on your period, but add to that random nose bleeds and sometimes cuts from my clumsiness and, man, way to make a girl feel worse. It sometimes felt like I was bleeding from everything. Sometimes I got scared that it wouldn’t stop. When it got really bad my nose would keep at it for an hour or more without stopping. It was very frustrating.

Your body does store iron, but it’s careful with it because too much can poison you. You need iron to make hemoglobin in your blood. Hemoglobin keeps blood nice and thick as well as transporting oxygen throughout your body. Without it, well, lots of problems result. The problem is symptoms take a very long time to fully manifest themselves. Which would be why it took so long for me to start fainting. I knew my iron had always been low, but not that it was getting lower consistently the last few years.

Doing internet research the last couple days, I’m very glad that I don’t drink. Iron is necessary to keep your kidneys super heathly and all that. Not that mine aren’t fine, just that if I was into alcohol they’d probably be in some trouble by now. A very lucky coincidence.

At least I’m not worried about it. I’m just curious about what my life would be like without anemia. The prospects are interesting. I can guarantee that I’d be happier just because I’d have the energy to do more. It pisses me off when I’m doing something and get so tired. It just sucks. I like doing lots of stuff. I’d love to do more. But the fatigue doesn’t make it possible at this point. I get short of breath really easily because of it too. I used to run all the time, playing games and racing. Just doing what I liked. I haven’t ran for more than a couple minutes at a time in at least 5 years. I’d get very tired and short of breath incredibly fast. That and lightheaded. So I’d stop.

I like skipping. I used to be embarrased about that, but at this point I can care less what other people think of me. It’s irrelevant. There are a couple people whose opinion of me matters, but other than that few the rest can screw themselves if they have a problem with me.

I didn’t realize how much I like kids until recently. I love doing stuff with them, playing games with them. Talking to them, all of it. Kids are great. They have an enthusiasm and outlook on life that most of us seem to lose worrying about everything all the time. I am very guilty of the worry syndrome, but all that seems not to matter when just having fun. I need to play more. I really do hope that I get better and can do more of that. It’s very healthy to just let go and have fun.

I’m considering getting a teaching degree again. It would make it a lot easier to get jobs in school libraries. Most places don’t want a full-time librarian anymore thanks to education cut-backs and all that. They prefer someone who can teach for half the day and work the library for the other half. This brings up another worry though. Well, not a worry actually. A choice. Because if I want to do that I may need a major switch again. I very much doubt that either Classics or Philosophy count as teachable subjects. I’d prefer 5th to 8th grade and they definitely won’t be learning that. So the question is, what do I take? I’m really not sure, but I’d better get thinking about that fast. History maybe? Computers? Math?….English?! It looks like I’ll be going over the course descriptions in the Academic Calendar again.