Yeah, I'm Confused

I feel a little unsettled about the bus guy still. Mostly because I now know what it feels like to be the recipient of that kind of attention and it’s a little weird. I’ve realized there are limits. Being polite and friendly is much more different from forcing yourself into other people’s lives when they don’t want anyone else in them. I don’t think that’s what I’ve done, but I’ve come close, which is worrisome. Something to think about.

Being Interactive Editor of ClubLaurier is going to involve my continuing contact and interaction with its members. But I’ll have to be careful that such contact is warranted. Though most people seem to not mind my talking to them, there are some (one lately) that find it really invasive. That also confused me. I asked an incoming frosh if he was nervous about school in September and he considered that prying into personal territory. How is asking something like that a personal question? It’s like asking someone what their major is. That’s what you ask when you meet a new student. It’s familiar territory for all of us. I could understand if I was asking him if he had a significant other, or what his marks were, or what kind of underwear he had on. Those are personal questions with answers that are none of my business. Oh well.

I hope taking this iron will make my anemia go away. I know I can live with it, I always have. But it would be much nicer to be healthy for once. No more being “clear”, having random headaches, being dizzy all the time, feeling cold, tired, and sluggish. That and the fainting would be gone. Not to mention I’d probably have more energy and willpower for school. Not just school, but everything. It would be very nice.

When I look back and think about it, almost everything in the last six years must have consistently been making it worse. The only way to lose iron is to bleed it out. There’s the obvious way to lose it, from menstruation. But since my nose bleeds a lot I bet that wasn’t helping any either. I used to cry when that happened. It’s bad enough to be cranky and frustrated on your period, but add to that random nose bleeds and sometimes cuts from my clumsiness and, man, way to make a girl feel worse. It sometimes felt like I was bleeding from everything. Sometimes I got scared that it wouldn’t stop. When it got really bad my nose would keep at it for an hour or more without stopping. It was very frustrating.

Your body does store iron, but it’s careful with it because too much can poison you. You need iron to make hemoglobin in your blood. Hemoglobin keeps blood nice and thick as well as transporting oxygen throughout your body. Without it, well, lots of problems result. The problem is symptoms take a very long time to fully manifest themselves. Which would be why it took so long for me to start fainting. I knew my iron had always been low, but not that it was getting lower consistently the last few years.

Doing internet research the last couple days, I’m very glad that I don’t drink. Iron is necessary to keep your kidneys super heathly and all that. Not that mine aren’t fine, just that if I was into alcohol they’d probably be in some trouble by now. A very lucky coincidence.

At least I’m not worried about it. I’m just curious about what my life would be like without anemia. The prospects are interesting. I can guarantee that I’d be happier just because I’d have the energy to do more. It pisses me off when I’m doing something and get so tired. It just sucks. I like doing lots of stuff. I’d love to do more. But the fatigue doesn’t make it possible at this point. I get short of breath really easily because of it too. I used to run all the time, playing games and racing. Just doing what I liked. I haven’t ran for more than a couple minutes at a time in at least 5 years. I’d get very tired and short of breath incredibly fast. That and lightheaded. So I’d stop.

I like skipping. I used to be embarrased about that, but at this point I can care less what other people think of me. It’s irrelevant. There are a couple people whose opinion of me matters, but other than that few the rest can screw themselves if they have a problem with me.

I didn’t realize how much I like kids until recently. I love doing stuff with them, playing games with them. Talking to them, all of it. Kids are great. They have an enthusiasm and outlook on life that most of us seem to lose worrying about everything all the time. I am very guilty of the worry syndrome, but all that seems not to matter when just having fun. I need to play more. I really do hope that I get better and can do more of that. It’s very healthy to just let go and have fun.

I’m considering getting a teaching degree again. It would make it a lot easier to get jobs in school libraries. Most places don’t want a full-time librarian anymore thanks to education cut-backs and all that. They prefer someone who can teach for half the day and work the library for the other half. This brings up another worry though. Well, not a worry actually. A choice. Because if I want to do that I may need a major switch again. I very much doubt that either Classics or Philosophy count as teachable subjects. I’d prefer 5th to 8th grade and they definitely won’t be learning that. So the question is, what do I take? I’m really not sure, but I’d better get thinking about that fast. History maybe? Computers? Math?….English?! It looks like I’ll be going over the course descriptions in the Academic Calendar again.