Flickr is back!

For those of you that didn’t know, I’ve been unable to log in to my Yahoo! account all summer. When our Rogers account was cancelled it never properly unlinked from their system, and when I try to go through the steps online to do it nothing happens. It’s still doing this. I’ve emailed, called, and IM’d Rogers and Yahoo! both, and all they do is shuffle me around. Rogers says they have no record of me anymore so it’s Yahoo!’s problem, Yahoo! says it’s Rogers’ problem for deleting all record of me. I don’t care anymore, because there has been some small measure of success finally.

The thing is, I have two Yahoo! accounts, and although the one I’m locked out of is my oldest one (and thus most well known) I don’t use it anymore except for my Flickr photos. This was a huge problem for me, because Flickr only lets you assign a custom url to an account once, and you can’t take it back for use with another account. So in order to keep my URL I’d have to get my Flickr associated with another Yahoo! ID.

This normally is very easy. You just sign in and fill out the form and confirm that you own both Yahoo! IDs and are thus allowed to make the switch. Which means I couldn’t do this, obviously, not being able to get into the first account at all.

I emailed the Flickr people and they looked into it for me. It took them some time to confirm my information and that I really was locked out of my account, but once that was established I got an email back saying that they’d separated my Flickr from any Yahoo! ID so I could go back and attach it as if it had always been separate. Huzzah!

This I did, so now I have my pretty pictures again and can add more finally, after not being able to for ages. It’s exciting, see, because there’s this new site, Ravelry, that I’ve been a member of for most of the summer and haven’t been able to make full use of since I couldn’t link my pictures.

Really, I’m excited because I have yet another avenue for showing off my yarn stash. Unfortunately, a bunch of the projects I’ve finished this summer have been gifted away and I don’t have pictures, but for the rest they will be up soon for those of you who are also on Ravelry. Exciting, yes?

ETA: Well, now that I’ve said something I get an email from Yahoo! saying they’ve fixed everything and I can get back in my account now. For the trouble I think I’m getting my stuff out of that account and deleting it. All I get is spam from it anymore anyhow.


I’m supposed to have my grad school application finished by the end of this month, but I can’t bring myself to work on it. I only have a night class today, so it’s not like I don’t have time to work on it, the problem is more that I just don’t know what to say. I feel useless.

Why has the postman forsaken me?

I don’t know what is wrong with the mail system here lately but I’m starting to get pissed off. There are things that I know were mailed almost a month ago that I haven’t gotten yet, and some stuff mailed from local people (Guelph and Kitchener) that I still haven’t gotten and that’s been over a week. In total, I’m waiting for nine different things and so far only one of them has come, that one mailed from Texas. Why are the things that normally take longer showing up and everything else being stuck in mail-limbo?

I want my mail damnit!

EDIT: It turns out that the two things that were really late ended up in the super’s office. Since he’s been on vacation (and he’s not here that much in the summer anyway) I couldn’t get any information from him until today. So the mail was okay, I just didn’t have access to it.

No knitting allowed?!

I’ve done a very bad thing, even though it didn’t feel that way at the time. I’ve been knitting so much lately that I’ve managed to give myself carpal tunnel. At least, hopefully that’s what it is. My left pinkie went numb, which is unusual for carpal tunnel. The doctor is wary of something more serious, but for now things are looking alright. After five days of varying states of numbness, my left hand is pretty much back to normal. I’m not supposed to knit for a bit, to be on the safe side, since I’m not going to stop using my computer. As well, I’m predominantly going to switch to magic loop for all the socks I want to make. It puts a lot less stress on my hands. It seems faster as well. I’ve been poking around on some lists and websites looking for something a bit more permanent, and the solution seems to be learning combination knitting. Rather than knitting from the wrists as I do knitting English style (by throwing the yarn), this is a variation on Continental knitting which puts most of the action in the arms. It reminds me of art class, where I was always reminded not to sketch from the wrists, but to make larger motions moving my whole arm. I’m hoping the combination of the two of these will help keep this problem from returning.

Edit: Now that it’s not numb my left hand really hurts, especially my wrist. Hence, I shall be getting a brace to prevent my doing any further damage to what is obviously a very abused hand.

'Tis the Season

In typical fashion my mom calls me yesterday to unload yet another massive amount of bad news. I answer the phone and hear, “I have news.” Being me, I come back with, “Good?” You think I’d learn by now. The good stuff she usually doesn’t want to talk about. The only way you get to know that stuff is if you’re there when it happens, or you force it out of her before she realizes. It’s the reason why I may seem overly optimistic if you don’t spend much time around me. I’m hoping for the best, but there’s a jaded cynical layer under that just waiting for things to come crashing down on my head.

I will admit, once she told me, I was actually in a better mood than when the conversation started. Yes, it’s a terrible thing that my uncle Johnny had a stroke and that he was driving and hit a little girl. It’s bad that my cousin Mark, who’s a paraplegic, is refusing his medication and treatment. It’s disappointing that his sister Donna’s spine is deteriorating and they can’t operate. But there’s a good side to all of this, and I think it’s better than the bad.

My uncle is alive. He’s on blood thinners and it’s highly possible that the blockage will clear up and he’ll be fine. The girl he hit is okay. She’s got two broken legs but no other injuries. My cousin is the only responsible person in his family, and it’s very unfortunate that he has to rely on the rest of them when they neglect him and view him as an unneccessary burden. He’s almost 18, and by getting the doctors’ attention this way they’re considering drawing up papers that put him in charge of his health, rather than leaving it up to my aunt. I love her, but she’s irresponsible and her children can take care of themselves. If Donna ends up in a wheelchair like her brother that is also unfortunate, but I can’t feel too sorry for her since it will be her own fault. Her condition was diagnosed two years ago, but the doctors couldn’t operate because she was too skinny. She’s 18 years old and weighs around 95lbs. She’s had two years to change, but she’d rather eat barely anything and do drugs all the time than bother to get healthy.

The other fun part about all this is that I can’t be entirely sure how much of it is true. The stuff about my uncle is. My dad got to talk to him yesterday. But the rest comes through the family grapevine and since my aunt moved to Ottawa none of the relatives will give my parents her address or phone number. My dad has eight siblings and they like warring amonst each other. Keeping control of important information is just one of the many ways they do things.

Since Mark is one of the few cousins I have that I really care about (seeing as he’s the decent one and had nothing to do with what happened to him) I played internet-phone-search and got my mom their number. I’m hoping that will stop a lot of the bullshit, since my aunt seems to feel guilty when talking to my parents and will probably be a mother and tell the truth for a change. I’m hoping she feels bad enough to actually let Mark on the phone. None of us have seen or talked to him in three years, and I’m sure he needs friends or someone to talk to. He can’t really go anywhere without one of the others driving him, and no one will come over because of what his family is like.

Now that I have an address I want to make him something, but seeing as I don’t know what he’d need I’m at a loss. I don’t want to give him something that would just sit around in a closet somewhere. I’m sure he gets lots of useless trinkets and crap from my aunts as it is. Maybe I’ll corner Bones into giving me some ideas.

On an other-side-of-the-family note, we get to help my grandma with Christmas dinner this year because she fell two weeks ago and broke her wrist. It’s healing well, but she can’t really do much in the kitchen. Emile (her boyfriend) is a great cook, and diabetic so he makes really healthy stuff too. But I still want to help. I hope he doesn’t take over and boot us out of the kitchen.

My parents are considering coming this year. They haven’t done that in at least 15 years that I recall. Probably even more than that. It would be great if they go. It’s a lot more fun when they do. My dad is a riot at family dinners.

It’s all a big secret for now though. My mom isn’t positive yet, and I’m not allowed to tell her mother. Which I see as a problem since if she waits until the last minute there isn’t going to be enough food. If my brother and sister decide to go, and Bones, that adds up to an extra five people. Two of which will eat half the house if we let them.

All in all, the usual fun mess that happens at the end of the year. Complete with the usual dose of drama.


Now that I’ve decided for sure that I want to get a powerbook, I don’t want to wait. I feel like a petulant child whining for something that I know I’ll get anyway. It’s pathetic.

I wish there was a way I could get a loaner one to play with until then. Dreams. *sigh*

The Art of Breaking

I spent two hours today poking around Hespeler Rd. trying to find a copy of the latest Thousand Foot Krutch album before giving up in frustration and returning home. It seems that even though many of the retailers were supposed to have it (according to TFK’s website, that is) none of them had it or knew what it was. The surprise though, is that I don’t think I want to get it anymore. I could be superstitious like my mother and say that not finding it is a “sign”, but really that’s not it.

When I got back I decided to try the iTunes music store and see if they had it. They do. The whole thing. Before buying though, I started listening to the samples of some of the songs. This was quite the effort and took some time since streaming audio on dial-up is not the best way to do this. Even so, the songs just didn’t seem heartfelt. They had a generic quality to them that I didn’t like. The whole album seems to be a lesser version of Phenomenon, and even that one I was slightly disappointed with.

I hate to think that the guys are starting their careers with songs that are just turning into lame rehashings of their other stuff. Their first album wasn’t like that. It was incredible. Even though I don’t have that one (I didn’t know much about them then, I’d heard of it from a friend), I have Set It Off (both the original and remastered) and really think that they’ve gone downhill since then. Where did the enthusiasm go? The spark of originality is fizzling out and I’m having a hard time with it.

I love these guys. They’ve got amazing ideas and have written some of the best songs I’ve heard. They put on fantastic shows. But the newer music is just sub-par. I hope it gets better. I don’t like being disappointed with them.

As consolation, I’m listening to Switchfoot, who have only gotten better over the years.

Edit: Now that I’m out of that jaded state of mind it seems better. We shall see what I think once I’ve gotten it. I’m also considering getting the new Bedouin Soundclash album. It’s interesting.

Cut Your Teeth Socks

Today has been productive. In a relaxing way, which is good. I finally finished the worsted-weight blue cotton socks for my mom, and am making some real progress on the Cut Your Teeth socks from Knitty. The first one has been done for a while, and a few of the squares for the second one, but I’ve been caught up with school and cross-stitch and website stuff and haven’t really finished them.

I’m pretty sure I’m making them for my sister. They seem to be something she would like, unless she’s getting to the point where she cares if people think negatively of what she wears. The mostly-orange colour scheme would go really well with THE REJECTS shirts that we have. I’d make more for all of us, but I don’t really care for most of the other people that have them. Kyle is decent, he can have some if he wants. Though I doubt he would, seeing as they are a bit on the “girly” side. I guess me and Steph shall be the only ones to get reject socks to go with our shirts.

Sometimes, I don’t know. I know she likes the aqua colour yarn that I have, and the variegated stuff that matches it. I’ve been teasing the idea of making her these socks out of that. Maybe I’ll make both, and let her choose. The matching idea is just my fancy and isn’t really grounded on anything concrete. Giving her socks that she would actually like and wear would be much better.

It’s really hot out. It doesn’t bother me too much but I do have the A/C on. Bones is getting all lightheaded and weird from the heat and it’s bothering me. Especially since I know he has air in his car. Maybe that’s why he’s not really going to work much lately. Too much heat. Though if that is part of the reason I am pretty sure that it’s not the only reason. He drinks entirely too much. He doesn’t really give a reason other than that he likes the buzz. He said he prefers it to being high. Alcohol is his drug of choice.

People wonder why I don’t drink, why I don’t smoke, why I refuse to try any kind of drug. Did it ever occur to any of you that I have watched these things completely destroy people’s lives around me? That I have lived with rampant substance abuse around me pretty much my entire life until I moved to Waterloo? Maybe I’ve seen what can happen and would rather avoid that kind of thing for myself.

Intentions and Purpose

I want this blog to be something different from the others. I’m being selfish and I am not sure that I want to share it. For now it seems to be something that is better off kept to myself. I’m just posting random thoughts here. I don’t entirely care if anything flows or makes sense.

I don’t make sense. My head is a jumbled up mess sometimes, and with everything cluttering it up and bouncing around in there it makes me stressed and worried pretty contstantly. Usually it’s such a mess I am not even sure what I am stressed or worried about. Half the time I don’t even notice that I feel that way, but it’s there.

This space is for me to try to sort that out, get to know myself and stop hiding from things that I may be thinking. Just because I may think something, or worry about it, does not make that a reality.

I have doubts, and failings. Just like everyone else. I am not proud of them but I can’t spend my entire life hiding from them. The failings bother me, but the doubts scare me. They really shouldn’t. Until I face them and get self-confidence they are going to be there. Acknowledging doubts does not mean that they are relevant. Just that I have them and should consider the reasons behind them.

It’s unusual for me to be trusting my own instincts. That’s something that I’ve only begun to do recently. Naturally, I find myself doubting myself and the decisions that I’ve made based on instinct. I am not familiar enough with them, or myself, to be trusting them completely yet. Though I am sure that time will come. As a friend told me a few hours ago, “It’ll come with time. Internal change happens slowly. You don’t just wake up and say ‘hey I’m changed’.”

I believe that. So for now, I write. Whatever I feel like writing.

Mental sorting…of a sort

Sometimes I have my doubts. Not that Dean isn’t the right one for me, but that I am the right one for him. More specifically, that I won’t be as good a person for him as he is for me. It’s cliched, but he is the best thing to happen to me. He’s the best person I know.

I’m feeling useless again. I don’t have a job and I do things around the house constantly to make up for it. So that I can feel like something I do matters, that I am in some way needed and pulling my weight.

I want a job. But at the same time, at this point in the summer, I kinda don’t. It wouldn’t last very long. There’s only a few weeks before I go home to visit so I doubt anyone would want to hire me knowing that I’d work a couple weeks, then be gone for 9 days, work another couple weeks and then quit for school.

I can’t keep a job while school is in. I just can’t. I am shitty with time management and there’s no way that I would be able to keep up with school work. Not to mention the fact that I want to do more than keep up. I am aiming for the As. I’ve always been capapble of them. I should be able to get them now when I need them.

I worry about my health now though. The fainting isn’t bothersome. What it could mean is. I don’t like feeling all weak and nauseated afterwards either. Especially since it seems to last until after I sleep. If it can and does happen during school I won’t be able to get work done feeling like crap, but sleeping will use time that I should be spending studying. What’s worse is if I faint in class. I doubt anyone around will know what to do. It will disrupt class, I’d have to leave, and I’d miss the rest of the lecture.

These are annoying what-ifs and I hate doing that. Thinking like that. But the thoughts are there anyway. I am worrying about this stuff and I can’t keep pretending that I’m not.

I want to go home. I mean, I really want to go home. I try not to think about it too much because the thought that it’s still weeks away almost makes me cry. I don’t like that it bothers me that much, but I’d feel worse if it didn’t. I love my family. I love spending time with my family. I didn’t realize how much I took that for granted until I couldn’t anymore.

I miss being around them all the time. My brother is funny with his jokes and his pranks. We do stuff together. I take the time to listen and understand instead of dismissing and judging like the rest do. My sister is cool. I admire her. She’ll at least say what she’s thinking. She has a lot of talent and a great outlook. She’s stubborn. Whatever she decides to do, I know she’ll do it.

I miss my dad’s rants on everything. A lot of the time they are redundant and don’t make sense, but they are amusing and it’s something that he does. I miss just hanging out with my mom. A lot of people would be bothered by the fact that we do that, and of the opinion that she should be mothering us instead of being our friend. I’d much rather have her the way she is. I’ve been mothered and raised quite well, even with my mom being more of a friend than that.

I won’t try to make out that our relationship has always been this way. For much of my life she was dictatorial and demanding. I was more taking care of her. I still resent that sometimes. But I do realize that since I moved out a lot has changed and she is not the person she was. Having her children moving out, having relationships and jobs, getting lives separate from hers, has made her more understanding and lenient towards us. Instead of being locked out for not washing the dishes fast enough, she realizes that someone with three jobs and school doesn’t have time to babysit the sink and will do them when she gets a chance. It’s a much better situation all around.

I’m worried about the money crunch that will be September. I’m thinking the best thing for me to do would be to go to the Financial Aid office and apply for a 90-day loan. Just to make sure that I have the rent money for September, and for food and bills for this last month or so. Books too. It seems to be the best way to go if I can get it, since I can pay it back at the end of September when I get my OSAP. Plus what little money that I have now can be used to pay the 10% tuition fee.

I don’t know anymore. I have faith that things’ll all work out, but I’m not sure why. I don’t know how that’s supposed to happen, or why I believe that it will. I don’t know what I have faith in. But it’s there. It’s a certainty that no matter what I will get through it and things will be okay on the other side.