I want this blog to be something different from the others. I’m being selfish and I am not sure that I want to share it. For now it seems to be something that is better off kept to myself. I’m just posting random thoughts here. I don’t entirely care if anything flows or makes sense.
I don’t make sense. My head is a jumbled up mess sometimes, and with everything cluttering it up and bouncing around in there it makes me stressed and worried pretty contstantly. Usually it’s such a mess I am not even sure what I am stressed or worried about. Half the time I don’t even notice that I feel that way, but it’s there.
This space is for me to try to sort that out, get to know myself and stop hiding from things that I may be thinking. Just because I may think something, or worry about it, does not make that a reality.
I have doubts, and failings. Just like everyone else. I am not proud of them but I can’t spend my entire life hiding from them. The failings bother me, but the doubts scare me. They really shouldn’t. Until I face them and get self-confidence they are going to be there. Acknowledging doubts does not mean that they are relevant. Just that I have them and should consider the reasons behind them.
It’s unusual for me to be trusting my own instincts. That’s something that I’ve only begun to do recently. Naturally, I find myself doubting myself and the decisions that I’ve made based on instinct. I am not familiar enough with them, or myself, to be trusting them completely yet. Though I am sure that time will come. As a friend told me a few hours ago, “It’ll come with time. Internal change happens slowly. You don’t just wake up and say ‘hey I’m changed’.”
I believe that. So for now, I write. Whatever I feel like writing.