Now We Wait

It’s time to wait for blood test results. I am pretty sure what they will be, to some extent. But they’re still bothering me some. Just in case anything is found that was not expected.

My head feels funny. Not bad, just a little tight. That’s the closest word I can come to describe it. I am getting a bit of a fever and it’s making my face feel very dehydrated and dry. I should drink more. I pee a lot when I do that though. It feels like a whole lot, but really it’s every 3-5 hours which I guess would be normal considering how much water I drink.

The tone of this blog is changing. It’s not so much what I am thinking right now, since I keep commenting on events and things. Which is fine I guess. I just don’t want to revert to describing the events of the day. That’s what the LiveJournal is for. Reflection too, sure. But it is more of a place for people to find out what I get up to, if anything. I do want this space to be more what I am thinking and feeling instead. Just because I tend to ignore that and it’s not healthy.

Writing this stuff out here does help. Even in the last couple days I am more open with others, Dean included, about what’s going on in my head. Probably because I am finally admitting to myself and that’s the first step.

That sounds like an AA thing. Well then, this is my rehab.

Out Of My Own

After not living here for almost a month, King Street doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s quite disorienting. It’s my place with my stuff and all that, but it doesn’t fully feel like it. Somewhat, yes, but not entirely. This is what I get for living in several different places. I don’t know if I can count Harrow anymore, since I don’t think I’ll be living there anytime soon, if ever again. That itself is a disconcerting thought, but I’ve known for quite a while that it was not the place for me and that I couldn’t stay there. I love it, but living there for the rest of my life would have killed me. I can’t just stay in one spot with the same people all the time. There’s no personal growth that way. Nothing changes. That’s not living. It’s existing.

I’m feeling unneccessarily nervous about this doctor’s appointment. Which is silly. It’s just to talk to the doctor and get some bloodwork done. No big deal at all. But good luck getting my brain to believe that one. It’s been so long since I’ve had routine blood tests that I’m not sure how I’ll deal with them. Needles don’t bother me, but I hate that first uncomfortable prick. For a while there I was so used to it that I didn’t care anymore, but now that’s all I can think about.

A distraction from worrying about other things maybe? Like Chantal. And my grandma. And September. God, I have to stop worrying about such things. I can’t do anything about them. It’s a waste of time and energy to be freaking out over everything all the time.

Like worrying about hurting Dean. I’m not going to hurt him, and if I ever was he’d tell me. So why do I worry about that so much? Sheesh. I’m so unreasonable sometimes. I guess in some ways I’m still adjusting to being with another person, and I don’t want to wreck it. I feel so lucky for having Dean though. He’s so perfect for me. Everything just fits. I want to be with him all the time. That gets me worrying about whether or not he has enough personal space, or if he minds not being around other people as much as he’s around me. If I’m taking up too much of his time. I do realize that people need personal space. Living in residence taught me that one.

I wonder what we’re going to do next month? I’m still just realizing how close that is. I really am looking forward to it. But still try not to think about it. I miss everyone too much. Lately it does make me cry. That feels really weird too, because I almost never cry. Though I think it might be a good thing. That I’m letting myself admit what I am feeling instead of hiding it.

I still wonder why I didn’t cry at my pippi’s funeral. I’ll probably forever wonder about that one. I think my outlook on that was such that I didn’t need to, but it’s still strange.

Writing this is exhausting me. It’s time to get ready for the doctor’s anyway. I’ll figure stuff out eventually.

Productiveness

I feel much better about today. Considering I got up at 11:30am I feel proud that I’ve gotten as much done as I did. I did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen. I fought the cat making the bed, very amusing. It reminded me of making beds around the cats at home. I did some latin, and job stuff (I’m still working on that), cleaned out a bunch of crap on my computer.

I’m planning on making a website. I really want to learn more about that. So many people I know have their own. It doesn’t seem that hard to do. I know some HTML already, and can learn other things as well. There are a couple sites that I’ve been checking out. One has tutorials, a forum, and free hosting if your site idea is worth it. I think I am going to go for that. Since I can learn whatever I need to know and get advice and feedback along the way. It seems a good way to go.

It’s kinda strange how much the internet has become a part of my life in the last year. I know I could live without it, but things would be very different. I’d probably just revert to reading constantly instead. But I do learn a lot by spending so much time online. Interpersonally, yes. But also information-wise. Whenever I am wondering about something I look it up and can find lots of information on it. Right or wrong, the info is there.

That gets me wondering if they’ll ever get internet at home. Probabaly not. That would cost them more money. At leat, that will be the excuse they’ll use. It’s not a very good one. For as broke as I am I can still afford internet. High speed no less. So they certainly could. Even if they made Pete and Stephanie pay for part of it. It’s possible.

I’m getting very paranoid about next month. My mom keeps reminding me that ViaRail wants to strike, and it’s scaring the crap out of me. We’ve already got round-trip tickets. What are we going to do if they strike? Obviously find another way to get to Windsor. But still. What about our tickets? What about the money? Do we get that back? If they are going to try to give us another trip that is pretty useless. This is the only chance that we have for this. Another trip would do us no good.

I am looking forward to going on the train, though it is scaring me some. New stuff usually does though. It’s not the experience itself, but the thought that I may screw something up somehow, or forget something important. That’s what really scares me.

I’m worried about my Chantal. Not as much as I could be though. Her kidneys aren’t working. At all. It’s that serious and I know that I should be really worried, but I’m not. I know she’s had problems with them since she was little. My rationale is that if she’s lived with them being so bad for the last 19 years a few weeks to find a way to fix them can’t be that worrisome. I am going to feel so shitty if I am wrong on this though. If something happens to her….that won’t be good.

I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself for also being sick. But that’s stupid because I’m not that sick. I’ve always been anemic and always expected to be. So this is no big deal for me. I’m not even that worried about it anymore. I find myself telling lots of people about it though. Well, not that many. Sarah and Bernard needed to know, since they are around me so much. It’s good for them to know in case anything happens. But anyone else that I’ve told has really been unneccessary. I think I was looking for pity on that. It’s amusing though, because I think subconsciously I realized this a while ago. I stopped talking about it and obsessing over it. Which is good. I don’t want to go looking for people’s pity. It’s a fact that I’m anemic, but it’s nothing to get all worked up over. Lots of people are iron deficient. It’s pretty common and not that big of a deal.